Positivity and Hope

You've Gotta Have Hope :)

Before I start this post, I want to thank my family - my mom(s) and dad(s) both Baumgardner and Cotton. My in-laws (Cotton's) have truly been selfless. Making sure I'm comfortable, happy - looking at my battle wound and helping me clean it, feeding us... oh the works. So blessed!!! My mother who infuses positivity every moment that I am without it... making sure I felt not alone, and walking me through all those thoughts - negative and positive that I have been having. Pretty sure she checks on me almost every hour. The hubby - I know this is hard for you... and you are still processing it, and we don't even know what IT is. Thank you for the hugs and kisses despite the stress and thoughts I know you are facing. We will become closer then ever - I know it. Finally - FAMILY & FRIENDS... to know that I have so many prayer warriors has helped so much. The constant texts/messages/everything has made me feel so loved. I know God is listening (with the peace he has been providing) and it is all because of each. one. of . you.

I posted on Facebook yesterday "Waiting Sucks." I almost took it off. I want to emanate positivity when I have it - yet I was a low point last night. I had been reading through some sad blogs with sad news... and not even knowing what I am up against was causing some mental anguish. I was also sad that I couldn't be there for a good friend of mine at her bachelorette party. I am her Maid of Honor - I was supposed to be right by her side. I went to her lingerie party... but it was hard. She cried, I cried. I didn't want to have to deal with this, the tiredness of having had surgery less than 48 hours before - the soreness of my neck... and not being able to enjoy such a happy day for her.

Alas I got over it. Everyone has rough times - whether it is illness, the big C, being hurt, jobs, family... but its family, friends, and GOD that are by your side and get you through. I am allowed to be sad... but I am not going to let it overwhelm me. I am healing. That is okay. People understand. I am not going to let whatever IT is keep me sidelined - it may slow me down a bit.. but I will pick myself and keep going. What else can I do? Nothing.

I took my bandage off for the first time yesterday. Yeah, they definitely didn't have extra dressings on the thing... my incision literally covers a good portion of my neck. Scary looking? Perhaps! I hope it gets across the message "Don't Mess With Me!" hehe. People ask me if it hurts ... my neck gets stiff and aches, but to tell you the truth - the incision does not hurt one bit. Its numb. Dr. warned us I might experience some *hopefully temporary* numbness - well its here.. not bad actually. Have had paper cuts hurt worse (with sharp pain) and here this 3-4inch incision with >20 stitches is merely "stiff" and "aches".
Not bad if I do have to say so myself. :)

* I am looking for awesome "white lies" to tell people if they ask why my neck has been sliced open *

 

Battle Wound!!

Church was awesome today... I felt like God was talking to me and of course I cried like a baby. The message was about how God, our Father, will never leave us alone as we move from the different events/hardships/stages in our lives and that he will provide the right tools to help us through. My mom also told me about the sermon she heard - pray incessantly, don't fear and just Believe. There was also a wonderful testimony given by a gentleman that handed his problems to God - and God brought him through. Amazing!

I also want to share another source of strength of which I have been drawing. Her name is Jenny Haslam, and our paths had crossed a few times in college. She is my age, 27, and was just recently diagnosed with an aggressive form of breast cancer. She went through her third chemotherapy treatment this past week. You can check out her story and battle at "Hope for Jenny" [ http://ekierturner.wordpress.com/2013/04/28/my-solution-to-bitterness/] - here is a selection from her post today -

This week a woman told me about a girl like me just diagnosed with a scary disease with difficult treatments-asked for advice about how to get through it. I told her that she has got to look for God. Look for the ways He is providing for you. Look for the blessings. Being thankful will keep you from getting bitter. I’d be doing her-or anyone who has ever been here-a disservice by telling you that I’m doing great all the time. Today I will tell you that I hate cancer. I hate that I have it. But I will look for the good, and I will find joy, because that is how you manage something this terrifying. You see, He didn’t leave me floundering. He may give me more than I think I can handle, but I’m learning what it means to depend on God in a way I would have never understood before. There are always blessings to be found. Every step of the way.

I hope I can maintain a perspective as positive as hers! Please send prayers her way as well!! That's all for tonight.

Keep the prayers coming, this week is an important one. Prayers for peace, healing, positivity, and that chance of good news.

love, jenny

Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop..

Haha, okay its not always like this - but I had been getting a lot of good news to be happy about (benign thyroid, clean CT abdomen and pelvis scan); perhaps I had gotten too happy?

That gut feeling is there though, something just isn't right.

Yesterday, walking up from my lymph node removal/neck dissection I vague remember hearing a voice looming over me. "Jenny the lymph nodes I removed were atypical - not normal. We will have the results at the beginning to mid week."

I was secretly hoping I had dreamt it. I mean, who expects to hear that stuff? In the PACU I got anxious, my heart rate was pounding, I had something HUGE wrapped around my neck, and felt like the oxygen was not helping. The nurse said it was a normal reaction coming off of anestheia - I hated it. To remedy everything she took me off the oxygen and HR monitor.

Then my MIL and hubby came back. I asked them if the ENT doc/surgeon had spoken to them. "Yes." "What did he say?" "90% lymphoma, but he said its treatable if it was." Dang. Dang. Dang. He had once thought it was a reactive lymph node. Dang.

After struggling to regain lucidity, the ENT doc/surgeon came over to reexplain everything. The lymph node had been partially necrotic - it had fallen apart.. so they took it out, cleaned out my neck, and removed the second one next to it as well. He said he cursed when he saw it, and he's not a cursing man. He told me he thought it was lymphoma but instructed me to make a liar out of him. But here I am thinking... that 10% .. are worse things than lymphoma part of this 10%?? Do I even pray for that 10%??

I know God has a plan for everyone.. including me. I know I will get through whatever this is, and the positive stories and messages from people who has known someone or loved some one with this disease has helped soo much! I love it!! One of the things (besides my trust in God) has helped me are the people reaching out - telling me they are thinking about me, praying for me. I love you guys, you are wonderful!!!

Initial dressing to stop me from moving my neck. Had to leave this baby on for 24hours. Sorry for my less than desirable look.. but hey, I did just have neck surgery!

Day 2: Smaller dressing. Still haven't seen the battle wound yet.

"Trust in the Lord with all of your heart, and lean not on your own understandings." Proverbs 3:5

Poked, Prodded, but I'll Take Anything with Good News..

Its been a long week (and It's only Wednesday!!) ... but so far I have had wonderful news!!

So first off - thank you for the prayers - and thank you God!

On Monday I had my CT scan of my abdomen and pelvis. I knew the drill (Who is lucky enough to get 2 CTs in a week's span aka 100x the radiation of an X-ray twice?? Yipee!) I drank my bottle full of water to dilute the contrast only to have the radiology tech  hand me a huge glass/small water barrel to drink before the scan. Surely she was kidding when she said she wanted me to drink to the whole thing to expand my stomach.. but realized otherwise when she said she wouldn't start the scan till I finished. Living in a pretty much constant state of panic/worry.. my stomach has become rather a light weight with everything so drinking 2L of water in a span of 20 minutes was rather tough. Eeep!

Anywho - went to work with a very uneasy feeling. If I had had "several" and "multiple" "mildly prominent lymph nodes" in my neck and chest.. why would they not be in my abdomen and groin?? Plus, with my hip pain - I was not too positive.. no matter any amount of positive prompting from the hubby and mom. Well, after promising nearly everyone I wouldn't look at the results... I did. and cried. Normal impressions of both abdomen and pelvis - organs looked good, no pathologically enlarged lymph nodes... praise the Lord!! (So if I have something... it doesn't appear to be below the diaphragm!!)

On Tuesday I had my thyroid biopsy.. ouchie! (Well the local anesthetic hurt a whole bunch.. actual biopsy not so much.) I learned that 1 in 8 people have thyroid nodules.. and ultra sounding the thyroid was almost as common as ultrasounding the breast (which is the most common) according to my British ultrasound tech. She made me feel super at ease... was told that my right thyroid lobe looked beautiful.. however the left one was a cystic weird thing.. which I guess a lot look like that? (That's what she said.)

My "nodule" was slightly bigger measuring "atleast 2.5cm"

Adding another battle wound to my collection of Jenny's Skin Imperfections

Recovery wasn't bad at all - but my face and throat are hurting - awesome? I sound super congested and have a lot of drainage.. between a super, awesome immune system (sarcastic) and Nashville's lack of allergens (also sarcastic) ... I am having a grand 'ole time. Fast forward to today... okay only one day (24hrs later) I got the phone call.



"Hello?" (After three calls already from the hospital about my surgery tomorrow.) "Jenny Cotton? This is "so and so" from Dr. Seibert's office." (Oh crap. Wait for it... Wait for it...) "Yes?" "He wanted me to call you to let you know your biopsy was normal." Tears. again. my poor office mates watched in horror as my eyes filled up with tears. I gave them a thumbs up. Praise the Lord... Again!! The lady on the phone asked if I wanted to speak to a nurse. I guess I said yes, or maybe I didn't say anything at all because another voice came on the line telling me my results were benign. Hallelujah!  Annual ultrasounds will be my next course of action since obviously this thing is not acting normal with its highly likely removal in the future. But it can be crossed off the list now.

And then there is tomorrow. This is the big, scary test to make sure I don't have the big, bad CA. Perhaps my lymph nodes have gone down... but not significantly - so prayers please! I think I kinda confused people by saying I was getting a biopsy. I am getting my biggest lymph node (2.4cm X 1.7cm ish) completely removed (lymphadenectomy/neck dissection) from my neck with a incision "large enough to get the lymph node out safely" and perhaps a drain. Awesome!! I will find out results at the beginning to mid next week. (Nervous!!)

Prayer requests - 

• Pray that my CT scan of my abdomen and pelvis come back normal!! Thank you Lord!!
• Pray for benign processes of both the lymph nodes and thyroid!!!! Thank you Lord!!
• Pray for me to allow peace, calm, and trust in the lord .. especially this week!
• Pray for the medical professionals that will be involved in these procedures/biopsing process.
• Pray for my husband as he goes into this busy week. He has been providing me with such positive thoughts.. but I know he has to be worrying.
• Pray for my family (both biological and in laws) who have had such open and welcoming ears (especially my mom who I have been incessantly bugging with every thought that has crossed my mind.) and are willing to drop everything to help. 

Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.

Deuteronomy 31:6

Sliced and Diced ... and the Waiting Game

The one thing that I hate in this whole diagnostic process is the ready. set. and WAIT game. I mean, in the grand scheme of things - it has been going pretty quickly and I have had a lot of appointments in just the span of two weeks... but this week - the IMPORTANT tests have left me anxious..

I met with the ENT on Friday (Ear, Nose, and Throat) Dr/Surgeon and he was a pretty optimistic guy. He came in saying that he is hoping my body is still acting like a child, hence the swollen lymph nodes. We told him what the hemoc doc said (40% lymphoma) and he said he was a more glass is half full kinda guy. Checked out my lymph nodes and said what he think is going to happen is that when I get my lymph node removed, it will have gotten smaller - which will be good news and then it will come back benign. He said if he was a betting man (what is with all of this betting?!?) he things the process is benign. Positives that he saw on the CT scan? Although there were a lot of lymph nodes (that may also be more suggestive of infectious process), the nodes are not matted.. He scoped my nose/throat and saw inflamed lymph tissue at the back of my throat too (hence the sore throat) and said that it could be the big/bad/ugly CA or again, infectious. He said CMV (Cytomegalovirus) can present like this.. especially if my immune system was run down. What he didn't say too much about was the thyroid (definitely needs to get biopsied). Ugh!

So plans for this week is to be sliced and diced!! 

Monday: CT scan of my abdomen and pelvis (ordered by my hemoc doc to make sure we aren't missing anything below the organs we saw in the low chest CT.)

Tuesday: Ultrasound guided Fine Needle Aspiration (FNA) of my thyroid.

Thursday: Surgical removal and biopsy of my angriest lymph node (I got a few.)

Don't be fooled.. only reason I smiled in this picture was because I looked so depressed otherwise.

So with all the  biopsin' going on, it will still be a few days after each procedure that I find out what is going on. My ENT said that if we have the results by thursday of my thyroid (which seems doubtful) depending on what the report says, if it is inconclusive he will recommend that my left lobe of the thyroid comes out during my lymph node procedure. If the report is cancerous, he recommends that my entire thyroid comes out during my lymph node procedure.

He said that the results of my lymph node biopsy won't be back until Tuesday or Wednesday of the next week (ahhh!!! so long!!)

So I am a habitual worrier. I am prone to go over all scenarios in my head and try to 'forsee' what most probable outcome. I have occasional intermittent hip pain that began in December after a potential exercise injury - I had an xray of it (which was fine).. and it got better and I didn't think about it until all of this and now it seems to be popping up an I focus on that too! Goodness... I don't know about you.. but sometimes pain/symptoms can manifest by just thinking about it and it does not help the situation... grumble.. And - its been two days since the ENT appt and the lymph nodes have yet to go down... and perhaps due to an overactive imagination  - they have gotten larger? Who knows. I sure don't.

So Prayer Requests - 

• Pray that my CT scan of my abdomen and pelvis come back normal!!
• Pray for benign processes of both the lymph nodes and thyroid!!!!
• Pray for me to allow peace, calm, and trust in the lord .. especially this week!
• Pray for the medical professionals that will be involved in these procedures/biopsing process.
• Pray for my husband as he goes into this busy week. He has been providing me with such positive thoughts.. but I know he has to be worrying.
• Pray for my family (both biological and in laws) who have had such open and welcoming ears (especially my mom who I have been incessantly bugging with every thought that has crossed my mind.) and are willing to drop everything to help. 

Psalm 46.1 - "God is our refuge and strength, and ever-present help in trouble."

One Day at a Time...

I know I haven't written in awhile. Blogging is something I truly love, but in the midst of work...school... and life, it has gotten pushed back to the way side.

Blogging serves two main purposes for me:

1. Sharing my every day happenings with friends, family, and fellow bloggers
2. Capturing those moments in time so when I look back I can reminisce ... remember ... because as you move forward.. things in the past fade, its amazing what you forget after time has past.

Well, anywho - not sure I will be forgetting the past week any time soon... but figured I would get back to writing and share what has been going on... and to ask for prayers!

Maybe  it was about a month - month and a half ago that I felt  a nodule on the side of my neck. I threw my head back and felt the other side. "Bilateral" I said to myself - probably a neck structure... and so I promptly ignored it. Well not completely ignored it, I would play with it from time to time, but didn't think too much of it.

About two weeks ago, I was feeling really crummy. Under the weather, my neck, back, and shoulders hurt. Dry cough. Wasn't as hungry.. pretty tired... but had to press on. Work and school required my undivided attention. The hubby booked a 90 min massage for us on that Friday... I was so excited. After the massage, my masseuse told me my neck muscles were really tight... and I proceeded to have chills and felt even worse than I had before. Sad! Massages are supposed to be good!!

Saturday and Sunday rolled around and I felt that I had been hit by a truck. Full body aches, general maliase, no energy, not hungry the works. I felt for sure the massage had caused something to fly through my body giving me systemic symptoms. Sucks! I didn't even have the energy to go to the grocery store or sing at church the next day. Sunday night I woke up around midnight drenched in sweat. It may be TMI - by my shirt and back of my hair was soaked!!!  I felt the nodule on my neck. Had it gotten bigger? I knew night sweats were a warning sign of cancer (CA)... Its a red sign we had been taught in nursing school. I woke up and started googling. Yes, its not good to google - but it is pretty darn hard not to. I chalked it up to being sick though and felt better in the morning. Went to work - but I was very tired ... oh the lack of sleep and how horrible it is! Thinking I need to get things checked out I called the MD. The earliest appt I could get was Thursday - boo! She asked what my sx were and I included lymph nodes and night sweats. She put me on hold and then said she could get me in on Tuesday afternoon.

Monday night I was BEYOND exhaused. I felt asleep on the couch upstairs and woke again with sweats. Went to bed that night.. and again sweating! Fever? Yep! 100F I felt feverish.. but I was scared. I didn't sleep that well that night either. I am an anxious person... have dealt with anxiety in the past - and being a medical professional wasn't supper helpful either.

Tuesday I went in and we did a myriad of blood work and chest X-ray. Made a follow up appt. for Thursday.Vandy is awesome in the fact that not only can I check my EMR at work (Electronic Medical Record) but I can check "My Health at Vanderbilt" for lab results etc. Welp. WBC came back low.. liver levels came back a little elevated. It was weird. Just. plain. weird. Chest X-ray was normal though! Yay! I talked to a lot of people. Bad viruses can do that.. that's probably what all of this was, right?

Thursday rolled around and more blood work was done. Found out Friday that my liver was coming down, WBC was trending up, iron was low.. but you know relatively reassuring. My MD still was worried.. lymph nodes, night sweats and slightly weird CBC (Complete Blood Count) - she said she was going to talk to a Hematologist, not referral just yet.. but see what they said. She scheduled me an appt. with the Nurse Practitioner (NP) in her office for Monday since she would be out of town this week. I was feeling better - good thing! Feeling more congested though - allergies??

Weekend went by without a hitch.. got to spend time with awesome friends (Friday and Sunday)... my dad came in to town for the evening on Saturday. Hadn't had any more night sweats..Besides a yucky cough I was on the mend!

Monday I had my NP appointment. She said that she sees swollen lymph nodes all the time and that my CBC was definately indicative of a virus. 10 days of antibiotics for me just in case I was fighting something bacterial too... and to see her in two weeks for a follow up and possible referral to ENT (Ear Nose Throat) if the sucker on my neck didn't get better. I went to work relieved that day, a big stress taken off my shoulders .. until I realized I had missed a phone call from a Vandy number. It was a Hematology/Oncology office saying that my MD had made a referral and wanted me to be seen this week. My heart was in my stomach. Didn't the NP just say I had a virus?!? I made an appt for the next day.

Turns out my MD had made a precautionary referral. Went to the hematology/oncology MD (hemoc) and he vocalized what my NP had said. This is common with big, bad viruses and my WBC was definitely indicative of that process. Just in case though... just in case we would get a CT scan with contrast of my neck and chest that afternoon and make a follow up appointment that next day. Again, felt really positive - asked friends and family to pray hard... and went in for the CT. I would be going to work the next day and would check out my results on my EMR. Some told me I should wait... but I am a impatient person that thrives off of instant gratification (sorry, that sounds horrible!!)

Wednesday I got on the computer and the results were up... "several" lymph nodes in my neck and chest (mediastinum/supraclavicular) and a non calcified nodule in my lung. Impressions were non conclusive. The radiologist said the lymph nodes could be present due to infection, inflammation, or neoplasia (cancer). The non calcified nodule only caught on ct was most likely benign, but it need to be watched. Guess a lot of people have them? It sucked.. but I could take it. Liver, spleen, kidneys, adrenal gland all looked awesome (okay it didn't say awesome in the report - "normal").

That was until I realized I had only read the chest report. The neck report popped up later... Neck - several lymph nodes - HUGE (ok the results didn't say huge) but I knew by looking at the numbers it was 2.4cmx1.7cm lymph node on my neck. Also - a 2.5cm nodule in my left thyroid. Impressions: both need to be biopsied. Welp, serves me right for looking before my hemoc MD appt, right?!? Yeah, that sent me into a tizzy!! My poor co-worker - I was not useful the rest of the day before my appt. So the hubby came with me and I warned friends and family ahead of time. I was (and still am) scared.

Went to my doctors appointment and he said "so they found some irregularities on the CT scan." I informed him that I had read the reports. He showed me my CT scan step by step... yeah, a lot of lymph nodes. Wasn't worried about the non calcified nodule in my lung, will need to have a FNB (Fine Needle Biopsy) of the thyroid and get the largest of my lymph nodes removed and biopsied.

He told me the lymph nodes were definitely worrisome. He reinformed me that this was not a slam dunk with these impressions... but if he was a betting man... he said 40% chance it is Lymphoma... 60% chance it is benign... 

I asked for the positives of the situation. It appears that the lymph nodes are localized to my neck and chest (although I didn't have an abd CT) without major organ involvement (told me if I had lymphoma, it would prob be Stage II... but wouldn't know until a PET scan.) He said I am also in good shape, young, and at one of the best CA hospitals in the nation.

Next step biopsy. I have my pre-biopsy appointment today with an ENT he recommended... not sure when the biopsy is going to take place. Then we will go from there.

So this is where I am.. and need a lot of Prayer...

• Prayer for calm, 
• Prayer for the hubby and all the stress he is going through, 
• Prayer for the 60% chance, and 
• Prayer for me to let go and place this in God's hands. 

I know I am not in control... but due to my nature - I want to be... I am type A and want/need to be control of everything. I know God works in mysterious ways and I need to let him run this ship. It is scary though... but I take fights head on.
Positive thoughts... one day at a time -

jenny